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Worst Entry Ever

I'm so discouraged.  I don't think I can do it anymore.  I'm not that awesome and I don't recall ever thinking that I was, but people seem to keep reminding me that I'm not so I don't forget.  Thanks.  I don't really know what I was hoping to accomplish with that story anyway. 

Shitty day at work yesterday.  One of the managers keeps touching me on the shoulder.  Every day.  It's something I've endured for a while, cringing physically each time, but yesterday instead of just telling me the tag of my shirt was out he asks me if he can tuck it back in.  I say, "NO" and basically fold in on myself to get away from him and he DOES IT ANYWAY.  OMFG, DO NOT TOUCH ME.  This was the last straw, really, and while I was stewing, freaked out at my desk for about an hour, I finally got the courage to tell my boss about it.  While I cried like an unprofessional the whole time.  Fucking stupid.  So instead of just telling the dude, "Don't touch my employees," he calls HR for advice on how to deal with the problem.  Upon hearing it, however, they decide to make it official.  Meaning they're going to document the incident and talk with us both.  

This weekend I'm turning old.  For several weeks I've been against it.  I've tried to act like I don't care, pretend as if I've accomplished something someone would be proud of, but I haven't.  It's totally my fault.  I'm the biggest coward in the world.  I do just enough to get by, always have, so no one would notice me.   

Anyway, apparently I'm just going to hate on myself because I'm a bitch.  And I really don't want to go to work today.  I don't want to see that guy.  I don't want to describe how it felt. I don't want anyone near me right now or at all, ever.  When did I turn into a child?  I was genuinely afraid of him.  I shrieked no and cringed away.  WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND IGNORES THIS REACTION?  And I feel so guilty for even saying anything.  And gross.  Did I overreact?  Am I crazy?  Why did bother me so much?

Comments

1) FIRST OF ALL, you are awesome. I think you are awesome, and an awesome writer. I haven't read that story (not least because OH MY GOD SCHOOL FRANCE WHAT AHLGOWGHOIGH has been keeping me from reading almost anything, and I tend to go for fanfic when I've got down time), but I've always liked your writing like crazy and you could only have gotten better. KEEP AT 'EMS GURL is what I'm saying here.

2) Happy early birthday! Things you have accomplished include: being alive and at least mostly sane!!! That is a giant accomplishment in my book and I think you deserve internet hugs and rounds of applause for that alone.

2) You are totally not overreacting! You have boundaries and made them pretty fucking clear––that dude was being an overstepping asshole, and it's especially scary because when dudes overstep one boundary they usually overstep others. You have the right to not be touched by people you don't want to touch you. AND TUCKING IN THE SHIRT WTF, that is a PRIVATE AREA WHAT WAS HE EVEN DOING. It sucks that your boss decided to make a whole to-do out of it because that is making you uncomfortable, but I hope HR yells at him and you get to feel like a champion, because you ARE.

Also, crying is okay! and you should be allowed to cry whenever you want and not feel like you were being unprofessional, especially when reporting someone's srsly creepy behavior, and haters to the left where they be quarantined.

4) <3 feel better
Honestly just putting in that horrible entry made me feel so, so much better. And no, I'm not that great, but I am getting better. I decided to rewrite and flesh out some areas with more information and that may make things all right. I felt like I wrote to get somewhere and left out some of what needed to be addressed. You don't have to read the story, it's not that awesome, clearly, but it will get better. Just know that I'm not giving up on it and that I appreciate the kind things you said about me.
Yay, 30. If I still feel like a child do I have to be an adult? Ugh!
Thanks for confirming I'm not crazy. I have appointment to talk with the HR lady on Tuesday, which I'm dreading, but maybe after this it will just be OVER.
Don't have to see that guy tomorrow and he was suspiciously absent today AWESOME

Rewrites are going well and have made my day today. So yes, I do feel better. Even better than that after reading your comment.
Thanks
Dummy kill

May 2012

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